It’s been over two years since the twins came along. I went into hospital and woke up with two new babies on my chest - and although they didn’t cause me endless sleepless nights, they did cause some steamier ones..
My twins, my girls, my bosom buddies.
Okay, so they aren’t actual babies, I’m talking about my new boobs. There were a lot of changes, and I’m not just talking about my cup size.
Some of those changes might surprise you, and because I believe that with great breasts comes great responsibility, I am going to share with you 10 of the things that changed after I woke up with my new chest.
Well, the first and most obvious thing that changed was my confidence. I had never liked my small boobs. When around boys, or in certain clothes, I self-consciously curled my shoulders in towards my chest. It was defensive body language, it screamed DONT PAY ATTENTION TO MY LITTLE BOY CHEST - an inward hunch designed to hide my fried eggs. I would squeeze myself together to appear to have cleavage. I wasn't the Disney princess, I was Quasimodo, hunching over. I just didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin.
The strong feminine character, bold personality, confident and sexual being that I was; I just didn't identify with the flat pancakes on my front. In my head I wasn't flat pancakes, I was juicy watermelons!
When I woke up with new boobs the first thing that changed was my posture. I was no longer curving my spine, I WAS curvy, but in new places. I grew a few inches in height as well as chest measurement. I wasn't an ironing board anymore, I was the bold, beautiful hourglass shape that I’d felt like inside for so long!
(and new role as Agony Aunt)
A strange thing would happen around people if the subject of boobs or bras or bikinis came up. My mouth would dry out and I’d go quiet. Yes, me, quiet! I would just freeze. I didn’t have boobs, I didn’t know anything about them or have any experience with them, so what could I offer to the conversation? And what if I said something about boobs, which made people LOOK at my lack of them! Oh, the horror! I felt like I couldn't talk about them, else it would draw attention to the fact that I didn’t have them - and not having boobs was something that made me feel like less of a woman.
Which was sad, as there is nothing greater that you can be in this world than a woman!
I mean, of course I know that boobs don't define women, but for me, it was always a big deal. I didn’t really try different kinds of bras, or think fondly about the times I would share my body with someone else. I couldn’t dream of the careless freedom of a girls holiday with no tan lines, or standing on top of a mountain for a standard topless selfie.
Fast forward to two years post-op, I now feel able to get them out when I want to, for that selfie, or arty photoshoot, or just to walk about the house braless, whereas before I couldn’t have - full stop.
I can now talk and write openly about boobs.
I feel like part of the women’s club, and now I feel like I can help other girls like myself, with advice about their own body issues. It wasn’t the lack of experience I had before with my boobs, it was that all experiences were negative ones, so I wasn’t comfortable sharing them.
The big change here is that now they are positive stories that I love to share! (BTW, anyone who wants to chat, feel free to message me! Agony Aunt here to help!)
8. Bravery & Independence
Mentally, having my boobs done changed the way I see myself and the way I act in life. For me, choosing to have cosmetic surgery was a really massive deal. I spent a lot of time researching it, and honestly, I was scared. I took it seriously, I knew it wasn't a decision to make lightly.
WHAT IF I REGRET IT?! ran through my brain.
So I was clever; I did my research, found a company I trusted and felt comfortable with and confident about, and then invested a lot of my own hard-earned money into giving myself a better body - in my own eyes. It was such a scary thing to decide, and I think it took courage. Mentally as well as physically. To admit to yourself that you want to change your own body in such a way can be hard, but I really have never had any regrets. I went on such a journey beforehand, to make sure that I was choosing to do this for my self and not to fit societies ideals, but I knew in my heart that this was fundamentally about me and my image and not about anyone else’s idea of a woman’s body. A year after my op, I travelled Europe for a month alone and it was such an amazing experience. It was something I felt brave enough to do because in my head, I now saw myself as a stronger, more independent and confident woman.
(Pre-header - Sorry Mum!) But.. OF COURSE sex changes! To put it simply, it just gets BETTER. The way you do it, the way you feel about it and feel during it.
UNLEASH THE GODESS! You become the voluptuous, sexual nymphette you always felt like inside but couldn't express when you just weren’t being proud of your lady lumps!
You don't get the boobs for the guys, you get them for yourself, but you will enjoy how much he enjoys them.
Okay, okay, I’ll stop admiring my own boobs and reminiscing on the much improved sexual experiences for a minute to be serious - before I had better boobs I was shy, sometimes I felt uncomfortable and it affected the way I enjoyed sex. In a good loving relationship, you know your partner probably doesn't give a hoot, but like I said, it's not about them, it's about you. With that said, I’m going to continue expressing my body confidence through the medium of dance.. *shimmys away like a wanton sex godess to Marvin Gays Sexual Healing*.
One thing I imagined would happen after B -Day (Boobie Day) was that I would go home and throw away all my old clothes and need lots of new ones. For me, because of the size I was before and after, this wasn't the case with everything. It turned out that a lot of the clothes that I owned happened to now fit me better. What changed was the options of how I wore them, and what with.
So those clothes didn’t need to be binned. And here I was looking for an excuse to go shopping.. Well.. when I did need something new, the great thing was that I could now buy clothes that I actually wanted to wear, without worrying that they wouldn't look good on me, or that I would have to worry about what kind of bra to wear with them. Shopping is a whole lot easier, and more exciting, when you are happier about your body.
5. YOU COME FIRST
I think that having low self-esteem about yourself and the way you look means that sometimes you don’t love yourself as you should, or put yourself first, because you just don’t believe you deserve the best.
For one close friend of mine (who I’m keeping anon but props to you girl - you’re the best!), her choice to have a BA gave her a new sense of self-worth. She was in an unhealthy relationship, and her new boobs gave her the confidence she needed to stop settling for less than she was worth. No one wants to be treated badly, but when you feel badly about yourself, you can think that it’s okay for others to treat you that way too. (FYI, it’s totes not!) Whilst body confidence came first for myself, for her, she learned to put herself first. HURRAH FOR BOOBIE EMPOWERMENT!!!!
4. Realistic Expectations
Now here’s the skinny on the fantastical ideas I had before my op and how they changed to realistic ideas with experience and guidance.
Before my op, I imagined that after fixing my biggest flaw, I would finally love my body. I expected to wake up and feel/hopefully look like a Victoria’s Secret Model, ready for the runway. Gigi, Bella, Kendall, move over! Its not Candice Sweanapol, Candice Taylor’s the name and I am catwalk worthy! I would no longer dislike my curvy bum, because I would no longer be bottom heavy. I wouldn’t get ID’d on the door because I’d have my girls with me - “ME? ID? But I’m a grown woman! I have boobs, see!”
Well, let me stop myself right there. Those other body hang ups don’t go away, and cosmetics can’t alter the way you think. Surgery alters you physically, but you still have to mentally learn, as a person, to love yourself. My better boobs didn’t wave a magic body wand, they just gave me one more thing to love, rather than hate.
Now lets bring in the MYA Space girls. MYA Space is an online forum hosted by MYA, where all patients and people curious about cosmetic surgery can get together to chat, in a safe environment, about their experiences. Here was where I received my crash course in realistic expectations of what to expect - the bruises, the swelling, fluffing, dropping, the strange conical mounds that would be on my chest until the pretty looking boobs appeared that you normally see on the before/after photos. These girls helped me to see a more honest side of surgery and what to expect in the between parts of healing that most website photos don’t show you.
So aside from changing my body aesthetically, surgery changed how I thought about my body. I learnt to be real, as real as my silicone enhancements will allow me - and that surgery can only go so far. I discovered that it’s not a quick fix. Surgery won’t entirely change your life, but improved mine in so many countless small ways. Plus, it's given me a ton of new friends who have felt the way I have, who I can relate to and bonded with.
3. Sharing ISN'T Caring
All Eyes Up Please! I learnt that having implants brings a lot of welcomed, and sometimes unwelcomed, attention. People will want to ask you about it, and sometimes, people will want to touch them.
It’s up to us how we handle this. We may bask in it.
Or we may want to keep things close to our chest and not share ourselves with the world. I know lots of women who felt like their personal choices and reasons for surgery were private, and I felt that was okay too.
Personally, after my op, I found that I am more in control of my own body, and that I’m more comfortable than ever before with deciding who I allow to discuss, see or touch my body. And I’m stronger about when I say no. Again, it comes down to experience, and loving yourself - which gives you the power to decide. I’m much happier and more comfortable to share my body and about how it looks, but because I love it more, I feel more protective of it too. It’s that Boobie Empowerment all over again!
2. Becoming a Better Feminist
Along with all that wanted/unwanted attention, there are going to be times when you feel the need to defend or explain your choice and why you agree with cosmetic surgery. If you know me, if you read my blogs for MYA, or follow my social media, you will see that I am a firm believer in the need for feminism today.
A feminist is someone who believes that women should have the same opportunities as men, someone who believes if you wouldn’t treat a man that way, you shouldn’t treat a woman that way.
Here is a shocking experience I’m going to share with you, that makes me believe that having my boobs makes me a better feminist, and why it’s so important for women to associate with the movement.
About a year after my surgery, I was working for a new company. The director of the company pulled me aside one day, along with another male colleague.
In lowered tones, he asked me whilst smirking, “a little birdy told me that your boobs weren’t real?”
I kind of balked, and replied, deadpan, “Yeah, and?”
“Well, lets feel them then.”
I didn’t know how to react.
It’s hard to put into writing how this made me feel. I wondered, by having implants, was I sexualising myself, and therefore making this behaviour acceptable?
OF COURSE NOT!
At the time, the shock of the question silenced me, and I felt embarrassed, and ashamed. WHY?
Since then, I have a clearer picture of why I am comfortable with my decision to get a BA. I can defend my reasons with clarity and I know, should another situation arise with anyone who made me feel sexualised, like that guy, when I don’t want to be, I can handle it.
It’s not okay just because I have breast implants, to feel okay to openly perv, and I’m confident to let that be known. They are not for anyone else’s enjoyment, unless I decide it.
WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS!
So I’m rubbing shoulders with Oprah Winfrey, Queen Bey, Emma Watson, Amy Poelher and countless other celebs who proudly admit to being feminists.
My new boobs gave me an experience which taught me just how much work we still need to do for women.
Mary Shelley said, “I do not wish women to have power over men, but over themselves.”
If I am alive in a world in which, because of my decision to make myself identity more with the woman I am, that makes it okay for men to sexualise me, then there is still much to be done. Come on girls.
1. Proud As Punch!
Putting yourself out there is scary. I was shy. I wasn’t proud of my body. I wasn’t confident to wear certain clothes, or tight fitting sports wear, or bikinis.
My lack of confidence stopped me from participating, from speaking up, from being strong. I missed out on so much.
Since my op, there’s one less thing holding me back. That dance class I wanted to go to? I’m there! That new costume I want to wear, it’s mine!
I ooze confidence, it’s booked me better jobs, it’s attracted new opportunities both in employment and in my creative life. I have learnt how to express myself better, learnt to stand taller and straighter. I have new courage. I have new friends. I’ve had new experience’s. Some of us not only got new boobs, but new jobs, new boyfriends, a more positive mind set.
Of all the changes, of course, my bigger boobs are the most obvious, but it's the change that happened on the inside that I’m most proud of.